The controlling nature of an alienator is often a defining characteristic of their behavior. This control is used to manipulate the child, undermine the other parent, and assert dominance over family dynamics. Below are examples of controlling behaviors exhibited by an alienator, broken into various categories:
1. Controlling the Child’s Perception
• Dictating What the Child Should Believe:
• The alienator tells the child how to feel about the other parent, discouraging independent thought.
• Example: “Your dad doesn’t care about you; that’s why he never calls.”
• Encouraging Mistrust or Fear:
• The alienator plants doubts about the other parent’s intentions or actions.
• Example: “Be careful around your mom—she doesn’t know how to take care of you properly.”
• Twisting Positive Experiences:
• The alienator reframes good times with the other parent as manipulative or insincere.
• Example: “Your dad only took you to the amusement park because he’s trying to buy your love.”
2. Controlling Communication
• Blocking Access:
• Preventing phone calls, texts, or other forms of contact between the child and the alienated parent.
• Example: “You don’t need to talk to them while you’re with me.”
• Monitoring Conversations:
• Listening in on or supervising the child’s phone calls with the other parent.
• Example: “You can only talk to your mom if I’m in the room to hear what you’re saying.”
• Restricting Frequency of Contact:
• Limiting or discouraging the child from responding to the alienated parent’s messages.
• Example: “Why are you texting your dad so much? He doesn’t care about you like I do.”
3. Controlling the Child’s Time
• Overloading the Child’s Schedule:
• Filling the child’s time with activities during the other parent’s visitation period to minimize time spent together.
• Example: “You can’t go to your mom’s this weekend because you have a soccer tournament I signed you up for.”
• Canceling or Rescheduling Visits:
• Making excuses to disrupt court-ordered visitation.
• Example: “You can’t see your dad this weekend because you’re not feeling well.”
• Refusing to Cooperate with Custody Orders:
• Ignoring legal agreements about custody or visitation.
• Example: “I don’t care what the court says; you’re staying with me.”
4. Controlling Emotional Dynamics
• Guilt-Tripping the Child:
• Making the child feel bad for enjoying time with the alienated parent.
• Example: “I was so lonely when you were at your dad’s house. I cried all weekend.”
• Demanding Loyalty:
• Forcing the child to pick sides and demonstrate allegiance to the alienator.
• Example: “If you love me, you won’t want to go to your mom’s house.”
• Encouraging Emotional Dependency:
• Making the child feel they can only rely on the alienator for love and support.
• Example: “I’m the only one who truly understands you. Your dad/mom doesn’t care like I do.”
5. Controlling the Other Parent’s Role
• Undermining the Alienated Parent’s Authority:
• Encouraging the child to disobey or dismiss the other parent’s rules.
• Example: “You don’t have to listen to your mom. Her rules are stupid.”
• Taking Credit for the Other Parent’s Efforts:
• Claiming that the alienator is solely responsible for any of the child’s achievements or well-being.
• Example: “Your dad never helped you with your homework—I’ve been the one supporting you all along.”
• Dismissing the Other Parent’s Contributions:
• Ignoring or downplaying the alienated parent’s role in the child’s life.
• Example: “Your mom only shows up when it’s convenient for her.”
6. Controlling Narratives in Therapy or Court
• Coaching the Child:
• Telling the child exactly what to say in therapy or legal proceedings.
• Example: “Make sure you tell the therapist that your dad makes you uncomfortable.”
• Misrepresenting the Other Parent:
• Making exaggerated or false claims about the alienated parent to therapists, GALs, or the court.
• Example: “The kids are terrified of their mom; she yells at them all the time.”
• Setting Unreasonable Expectations for Reconciliation:
• Placing impossible conditions on the alienated parent before allowing them to rebuild a relationship with the child.
• Example: “Your dad needs to prove he’s sorry for everything before you can see him again.”
7. Controlling the Child’s Extended Relationships
• Cutting Off Extended Family:
• Preventing the child from maintaining relationships with the alienated parent’s side of the family.
• Example: “You don’t need to visit your dad’s parents—they’ve never done anything for you.”
• Discouraging Friendships that Support the Alienated Parent:
• Isolating the child from peers who might encourage a balanced perspective.
• Example: “You shouldn’t listen to your friend who said good things about your mom. They don’t know what she’s really like.”
8. Controlling the Child’s Emotions
• Reinforcing Negative Emotions:
• Encouraging the child to focus on anger or disappointment toward the alienated parent.
• Example: “Remember how upset you were when your mom forgot your birthday last year? She always lets you down.”
• Creating Unhealthy Expectations:
• Setting the child up for disappointment by creating false expectations of the alienated parent.
• Example: “Your dad should’ve called you every day, but he didn’t. Doesn’t that make you feel unimportant?”
Key Takeaways
The controlling nature of an alienator often revolves around:
• Manipulating the child’s perceptions and emotions.
• Isolating the child from the alienated parent.
• Maintaining control over every aspect of the child’s relationships and decisions.
These behaviors serve to alienate the child from the other parent while fostering an unhealthy dependency on the alienator.
Disclaimer: This information is for educational purposes only and should not be considered legal advice. For assistance, consult a qualified attorney or mental health professional.
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